When someone we love dies, we often think grief is only about missing them.
But sometimes grief opens doors to things we thought we had already put away.
Old conversations.
Old hurts.
Words that were said — or never said.
Things we wish we could change.
And sometimes, the person we have lost is also the person who hurt us.
That can make grief complicated.
We may love someone deeply and still carry pain from our relationship with them. We may miss them terribly and still feel angry. We may wish we had one more conversation, one more chance to say what was never said.
And then comes that familiar phrase:
“Forgive and forget.”
But what if you can’t forget?
Maybe you’re not supposed to.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
Forgiveness doesn’t mean saying that something didn’t hurt.
It doesn’t mean what happened was okay.
It doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behaviour or pretending that the past didn’t happen.
And it certainly doesn’t mean that you have to erase your memories.
Forgiveness and forgetting are two very different things.
We remember because we are human. Our experiences become part of our story.
The goal isn’t necessarily to forget the hurt.
Perhaps the goal is to stop allowing the hurt to have such a powerful place in the present.
And this is where I think there is an interesting connection to something I often talk about: HeartMath.
What Is HeartMath?
If you’ve never heard of HeartMath, the idea is actually quite simple.
HeartMath is an approach that looks at the relationship between our heart, breathing, emotions and nervous system. It teaches simple techniques, including intentional breathing and focusing on positive or calming emotions, to help create a greater sense of balance in the body.
Our heart isn’t simply a pump that keeps us alive.
It is also constantly communicating with the brain and the rest of the body.
When we are experiencing strong emotions—anger, fear, sadness, resentment or stress — our body can respond to those emotions.
And when we consciously slow our breathing and bring our attention to the heart area, we can give ourselves a moment to pause.
We don’t have to fix everything in that moment.
We simply pause.
Breathe.
Notice.
And perhaps soften.
Forgiveness Can Begin with a Breath
I think this is especially meaningful when we’re grieving.
Because forgiveness isn’t something we should force.
You don’t have to wake up one morning and decide, “Today I forgive everything.”
Sometimes it begins much more quietly.
Take a breath.
Put your hand over your heart.
Think about the person.
Acknowledge the hurt.
Acknowledge the love.
Acknowledge that both can exist at the same time.
You can say:
“What happened mattered.”
“My pain was real.”
“I wish things had been different.”
And perhaps, eventually:
“I don’t want to carry this pain in the same way anymore.”
That is not forgetting.
That is beginning to release.
You Can Love Someone and Still Be Hurt By Them
One of the hardest things about losing someone is realizing that relationships are rarely perfect.
We can love someone and be angry with them.
We can miss someone and still remember the ways they hurt us.
We can wish someone were still here while wishing parts of our relationship had been different.
Those feelings don’t cancel each other out.
They can all be true.
And maybe that’s part of what makes grief so complicated.
We aren’t grieving a perfect person.
We’re grieving a real person.
And real relationships are complicated.
Sometimes We Need to Forgive Ourselves, Too
There is another kind of forgiveness that can quietly become part of grief:
forgiving ourselves.
For the phone call we didn’t make.
For the words we wish we had said.
For the argument we wish we could take back.
For not knowing what we know now.
For believing there would always be more time.
Grief can make us replay the past and imagine all the ways we could have done things differently.
But we made our choices with the understanding, knowledge and circumstances we had at that time.
We didn’t know what we know now.
Perhaps self-forgiveness begins with giving ourselves permission to be human.
You Don’t Have to Forget to Heal
Maybe healing isn’t about forgetting.
Maybe it is about remembering without being consumed by the memory.
Remembering the person without allowing the hurt to become the only thing we remember.
Remembering the good alongside the difficult.
Remembering the love alongside the loss.
And perhaps, with time, allowing our hearts to hold the whole story.
The beautiful parts.
The painful parts.
The unfinished parts.
The parts we will never understand.
Forgiveness doesn’t change the past.
But it may change the way we carry the past into our future.
And sometimes, that’s where healing begins.
Not by forgetting.
Not by pretending.
But by taking a breath, listening to our hearts, and gently asking ourselves:
“Am I ready to put down some of what I’ve been carrying?”
You don’t have to do it all at once.
You don’t even have to be ready today.
Grief has its own timing.
And sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is simply give ourselves permission to take the next breath—and let that be enough for now.
Until next time, with compassion and care, wishing you peace and warmth🙏
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
For over 35 years, Lauri-Anne Canzanese has dedicated her life to supporting the mental health and emotional well-being of others as a HeartMath-certified coach, MBSR coach, and a mental health and addictions coach. She's a Funeral Director Assistant at Carson Funeral Homes.